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Seriously, How Fast Can a Snail Possibly Run?
Camburi, BRAZIL
Drake realized he wasn't in Kansas anymore when he came face to face with one of South America's rarest and most elusive rainforest creatures, The Great Brazilian Snail. The encounter caused Drake to temporarily lose his wits, not knowing whether to fear the beast, eat it, or invite it to his New Year's Eve beach party. If only he could catch up with it.
"Seeds of Contrast" a Growing Concern Between Man and Beast
Drake is not one to shy away from sampling the local agriculture, especially if there's a chance it will make his hair and general outlook on life softer, shinier and more manageable. After experimenting the fruits of a ubiquitous wild plant from a southwestern Cambodian village, Drake was left unimpressed with its effects. On him, that is.
Naming Committee for National Animal Must Be a Bunch of Stoners
Drake loves mascots. He loves their spirit, their sideline antics, and the fact that nobody can hear them cheer due to their heads being stuffed into oversized sweatboxes. But he hates it when mascots do not aptly represent their team. If the team is called the Giants, then the mascot should be a giant. Not a horse, or some dude with a spear and cape.
What really chafes his ass, though, are inappropriate mascot names. The Pistons from the automotive city of Detroit is a clever name. The Wizards from the city of politicians in Washington, however, makes no sense. Knowing that the Utah Jazz moved from New Orleans might make sense to somebody, but not to the Louisiana fans who hate them for leaving. The "Bible Thumpers" or the "Bitchin' Powder" are names that would have made sense for Utah, but maybe not appropriate.
Drake is all about making sense. And he takes comfort in believing that countries surely must give serious consideration to their choice of National Animal. He is surprised to discover Thailand's choice.
Rocks Only Get Their Rocks Off When We're Sleeping
The pseudo-scientific world was seriously rocked on Saturday when a group of biokinegeologists released the findings of their 11-year study on the mating habits of geological entities; the results of which undermine some of the field's fundamental tenets, leaving many researchers stone-faced in disbelief. Supported by rock-solid statistical evidence, the study reveals never-even-considered-before behavior in such geological bodies as stones, boulders, pebbles, and tectonic plates.
According to experts, the findings have Earth-shaking ramifications. Literally. The unthinkable appears to be true, that the Nazca and Philippines Tectonic Plates really have the hots for each other. Given the recent activity down there, the first theory to emerge is that the Philippines Plate can't stand the tension anymore, and is already making the first move. While it will take a few billion years for Philippines to reach Nazca's loving embrace, the break-up with Pacific could reek havoc on Asia's surface any day now and for millenia to come.
Perhaps even more unsettling to these "scientists" is the mind-blowing report on the nature of rocks in general. The data reveals that sedimentary rocks are actually far less likely to be monogamous than either of their fickle metamorphic or hot-blooded igneous cousins; and more likely to disobey Mother Earth's "Only Do-It-At-Night-When-No-One's-Watching" Law.
Well, Drake was able to tag along with some researchers on an observation safari in Thailand in hopes of witnessing biokinegeology in action.
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